


The Tale of Jar Jar Binks (Translation of The-a Kinda Big Kinda Small Story of Jar Jar Binks)

by srididdledeedee



Series: Jar Jar [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Other, at least the one people can read without the unposted syntax, the crowning jewel in my shitposting career
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-21 15:07:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7392193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/srididdledeedee/pseuds/srididdledeedee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The rise of Darth Jar Jar, a classic piece of Gungan literature.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Tale of Jar Jar Binks (Translation of The-a Kinda Big Kinda Small Story of Jar Jar Binks)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [east_wind](https://archiveofourown.org/users/east_wind/gifts).



> And post this on the back of my tombstone.

The Binks line had been a long and proud one throughout all of Gungan history. From the founder of Otoh Gunga (Blish Binks) to the scientist that developed the oxygen synthesizers (Cubben Binks) to a famous king that strategically won the war that gave the Gungans their freedom from the surface dwellers of Naboo (Adreel Binks-Sqeeth), all Binkses had contributed to and shaped Gungan culture and history. That is, almost all.

Jar Jar Binks was a special kind of Binks. He didn’t have artistic vision (disappointing his uncle Clann-Clann) or the focus for research (dispiriting his cousin Mozueb). His parents ignored it for as long as they could, but his horrible luck combined with his annoying personality eventually got him noticed – and not in the traditional Binks way.

Jar Jar was banished exactly two days after he reached adulthood. The circumstances were fuzzy to all of his relatives, and different stories dispersed themselves. Some said he broke the oxygen bubble of Boss Nass’s, others said he accidentally burned a famous painting of his great-great-great aunts. Either way, he was exiled from their society and peace reigned for a few blessed years. 

And then he came back.

With Jedi.

No Gungan was happy about this unfortunate turn of events. But by assisting the Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn and his Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi, the Gungans were able to get rid of him quickly again. Of course, no one could have predicted the battle with the Trade Federation. And it was impossible to foresee Jar Jar’s appointment as Bombad General. 

(It wasn’t even a promotion – Jar Jar was nothing beforehand! One cannot be promoted from nothing!)

It continued. He became a senator, proving his family’s ancient theory that no special skill was required in government. His mother tittered that he could have used that power during the Clone Wars in so many more ways. His father grumbled that he should have resisted Palpatine’s persuasion to give the Emperor more power. Jar Jar either didn’t notice or didn’t care (but definitely didn’t notice) and continued his happy and oh-so-irritating babble every night at dinner.

Life passed. The Binkses strived to impress their society even more to hide Jar Jar’s Jar Jar-ness. It did no good. As Obi-Wan Kenobi trained his Padawan, Jar Jar stayed the center of attention in underwater Naboo. When Sandakin (or whatever his name was) mourned over the loss of former Queen Amidala, the Gungans mourned having to hear Jar Jar give her eulogy. Even when the Emperor seized control of the galaxy, the Gungans considered him the second largest problem to Jar Jar Binks. 

These events made it even more surprising when Jar Jar, reading the current events section on his Galactic Intermissions and Communications Receiver, scoffed at the new Jedi found. “This is ridiculous – ‘one single Jedi rumored to have been found, will order return with him?’ Absolutely absurd.”

His family members shared a look. “Jar Jar, what do you mean?”

He blinked at them. “I mean, I’m a Jedi. I don’t have training or anything, but neither does this other guy.”

“What do you mean?” His great-uncle repeated. “The Order of the Jedi has been dead since Darth Vader arose.”

“What do you call this then?” Jar Jar reached out with one arm, lifting his mother’s glass without touching it. “There was a reason Qui-Gon Jinn’s mind tricks didn’t work on me.”

The extended family made an executive decision and shipped him off planet to Tython, the home of the ancient Jedi. He was meant to stay there and meditate for a few months, but he never returned. Nobody in his family worried too much - he was out of their gills for good.

Little did they know of the rise of Darth Jar Jar.

Jar Jar meditated for days on Tython, calling on ancient Jedi spirits to guide him. He then traveled to Hoth, where he could feel one restless soul. Unfortunately for him, it was the somewhat (very) malicious soul of a tricky deceased Sith. Jar Jar learned and mastered most, if not all Sith techniques – Force lightning, Force choking, he even began to construct the hilt of his light saber. He was beginning to look even more powerful than Darth Sidious.

Which is why the malicious and now jealous Sith spirit persuaded him to meditate deeply at the bottom of a cliff then pushed a boulder on top of him.

Jar Jar Binks was crushed and died, his soul becoming one with the Force. His family learned of his death a few years after and finally hired the fancy caterer they had been itching to try but didn’t have a good enough excuse to. The world was ridden of both a pesky annoyance and possibly the most dangerous Sith to ever roam the universe.

Here ends the tale of Jar Jar Binks.


End file.
